DEATH BY BOOB

IN MOST PHOTOS I TRY TO HIDE MY ENDOWMENT

My grandmother used to say I was "blessed" when I thought I was cursed. My "friends" or whatever else you want to call them (puppies, boobs, busts, breasts, companion a and companion b, my babies etc) first showed up when I was in third grade. I was the first girl to wear a bra and I was embarrassed. Mind you I was also nearly a whole year older than most of my classmates due to my December birthday...but no one pointed that out when my chest had a mind of its own and decided to expand. I remember trying to hide them as best I could...I'd wear big shirts...one time I remember sticking a book under my shirt so I would appear flatchested when in fact it just looked like I was about to give birth to a book.

I figured my endowment would come in handy when I had children and decided to breastfeed. Most women get excited when they become pregnant because their breasts get larger (or maybe I should say their husbands get excited). I--on the other hand, felt like I had two overfilled water balloons waddling around in my chest. But I knew I wanted to breastfeed because of all the benefits. I figured this was my moment to cash in---from all the teasing of my large boobs...now it would pay off. I would breast feed and have enough milk to feed a small army. I planned to store all that excess liquid gold for the benefit of my baby. So you can imagine my disappointment when these huge smack-eroos only delivered 2 or 3 drops of breast milk each. Everyone told me that was to be expected...the first few days after delivering a baby your milk is just beginning to come in...it will take time...just stick with it. When I breastfed my daughter she seemed to be satisfied...but when I pumped it was like pumping an empty gas tank...nothing. I couldn't understand how these "golden treasures" of mine could have 0% milk...and each weigh about 10 pounds...what was in them? lasagne from the night before? Was there some kind of sponge soaking up the milk and not letting me be productive. It was stressful...but I stuck with it...and even though it never fully felt like I was loaded...I was glad to have done it.

My breasts seemed to stay large after my pregnancies...and so now I am looking at triple D's when it comes to bras. My poor husband constantly asks me to get some enticing lingere...he even offers to buy some. Then I explain...no don't go to Victoria's secret...you need to go to Walmart...the plus size section...oh...I'll just go myself. I did get some just desserts though...when I went for my mammogram (imagine the embarrassment when the complete breast didn't fit on the plate (anyone who had a mammogram before knows what I'm talking about)). Anyway when the squeezing and pushing and pinching is done...it goes really smoothly (not that it doesn't feel uncomfortable)...but I can only imagine the pain if I was flat chested as I had wished over and over again.

Last night I was at my daughter's softball game. It was a cool crisp night....just perfect for a game. Graceann was pitching and working on a combined 2 hit shutout. All of a sudden I felt something drop between my breasts....(well there's not a lot of space between my boobs...they're usually snug inside that bra--so maybe not between them but on them) I didn't think much of it...until I felt something moving around. I took a quick peek down my shirt...after all I was in public. All of a sudden to my horror I saw a big black bug walking around my puppies! I HATE BUGS!!! I tried not to scream...but believe me had I been in the privacy of my own home I would have ripped that shirt off so fast and jumped to the ceiling. As it stood now I just looked like I was "playing with myself"...but I wasn't sure if the bug was out of my bra or just fell in deeper...after all theres alot of crevices in there.....I was panicked. As soon as the game was over...I congratulated everyone for winning...and then grabbed the kids and drove home...got inside the door and tore off my shirt and bra...the kids weren't sure what to think....I didn't see anything...ahh...relief....it must have flew out... Now to take a shower. I took my clothes and undergarments and put them in the hamper...and that's when I saw it. A crushed beetle inside my bra....death by boob.